It's been another weird week in retail. Bathtub tray manufacturers simply don't understand how women use the product, Amazon is all locked up with Coachella and Oreos are the next trend in beer.
This, and more, in this week's retail therapy.
The hilarity of taking a bath
Many thanks to Sharon Su, otherwise known as @doodleyroses on Twitter, for taking time this week to point out the absurd marketing around bathtub trays.
Love sitting in a bubble bath with a glass of wine and a [checks notes] small undressed salad pic.twitter.com/NgA3ri2wXb
— Sharon Su (@doodlyroses) March 24, 2019
The salad option is truly the real MVP of possible items that could be placed on a bathtub tray. It also sparks a memory of Edith Zimmerman's 2011 article "Women Laughing Alone With Salad" for The Hairpin, which simply featured stock photos of women having a jolly time while eating lettuce. That piece rightfully caused an uproar when it was pointed out that women simply cannot get enough of their hilarious vegetables.
Bonus points to the lady who is having both a glass of wine and a cup of coffee during the same bathing experience. The heat plus caffeine plus alcohol is going to make for a fantastic Tuesday night.
Fashion crime
GQ is reporting that Anna Sorokin, dubbed the "SoHo Grifter," hired someone to pick out clothes for her to wear to courtroom appearances. If you are unaware of the scandal, Sorokin allegedly made a group of very fancy New York city people believe that she was a very fancy German heiress and managed to swindle people and banks out of money. Allegedly.
It was glorious.
She's now on trial, and to look the part of an ingénue her legal team hired stylist Anastasia Walker. This was after a questionable attempt to make her not look like an inmate wherein said legal team hastily purchased an outfit for Sorokin at H&M, according to the New York Post.
Some may call this bombastic. I say, brava. If you are going to go down for grand larceny you might as well steal the show, too.
Rail against capitalism while shopping on Amazon at Coachella
Back in February, Amazon made the announcement that the company is setting up lockers at the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival between April 12-14 and April 19-21, wherein concert goers can order items and have them sent to on-site lockers.
Additionally, this week Amazon launched a "festival-inspired storefront" online that sells festival essentials. So, the question is: If you were at a hot, sticky music festival surrounded by a bunch of people who were wylin out, what would you want delivered?
If your answer is a game of Catan, you are in luck, my friend.
The Amazon list also has a number of practical products available like earplugs, hand sanitizer and Pedialyte — all of which absolutely make sense in a concert context.
But what if I attend a multi-day music festival and forget my feather-like accessories at home? Don't worry, Kayla / Ashley / Megan. For $6.66, Amazon has your back.
In a press release, Patrick Supanc, Amazon worldwide director of lockers and pickup, said "[W]e are helping attendees spend less time worrying about packing and more time enjoying the experience of a lifetime that is Coachella." Indeed, Patrick. Indeed.
That's the way the cookie crumbles
In food retail news this week, Adroit Theory Brewing Company out of Purcellville, VA, apologized on Twitter for buying all the Oreos at Costco in the Leesburg, VA, area.
We apologize to all Costco shoppers around Leesburg...there are no Oreo Cookies left. We bought them all.
— AdroitTheory Brewing (@AdroitTheory) March 26, 2019
And you know what that means. We are releasing: Dia de los Muertos - Russian Imperial Stout [oreo variant]
Draft | Growlers | Bottles | Friday #CraftBeer #VaBeer pic.twitter.com/7K5VsRyJJ8
The craft beer business is preparing to make its Russian Imperial Stout called Dia de los Muertos and needed the special ingredient.
This begs questions that require investigative journalism of the highest degree. In an email interview with Retail Dive, a spokesperson for the company stated, "We often add various ingredients to that base beer to make flavored variants that we release as one-off specials. This week it is the base beer with hundreds of pounds of Oreos added."
The spokesperson further revealed that the brewery bought 360 pounds, or 216 boxes, of Oreos. Furthermore, the company in the past has created variations based on special edition Oreos like peanut butter, German chocolate cake and dark chocolate.
The most important expose, though, is that the business uses original Oreos versus "Double Stuf." They experimented with Double Stuf in the past and it didn't work. "I find the cookie to filling ratio is off, at least for being in beer, is off with the double stuff," the spokesperson said.
I don't want to see your feet
Finally, Teva sandals and iterations that are inspired by the brand's look are hot this spring. The shoe was huge in the 90s and is presently making a comeback.
We've had a long time to prepare for this moment, because when they showed up on the runway in September 2018 we knew it was inevitable that people were going to purchase them this spring.
After months of preparation, we are emotionally centered for what we have to say.
If you want to buy this:
Or, if you want to purchase one of Teva's fancy Prada cousins like this:
You must, for the love of everything holy, purchase some of this:
And, while we are at it, get this, too:
If you are going to go on a Teva journey, you unknowingly taking everyone on that trip, too. We don't want to see your cracked, dry heels. We don't want to see your hooks for toenails.
These things should come pre-packaged with each sandal purchase, but they aren't and I'm not the boss of everybody (yet), so I can't make people own these essential footwear items.
It's open shoe season, maniacs. USE. LOTION.
