Retail Therapy: For these jeans, third time is definitely not the charm

It's been another weird week in retail. Triple waistband jeans have hit the market and reminded us why we hate denim, Jimmy Choo has a pair of shoes with heated soles and adult advent calendars are popping up in droves to remind adults that alcohol is what really matters in the holidays.

This, and more, in this week's retail therapy.

$1,095 better spent on any other denim product

There's only one thing worse than unironic double waistband jeans and that's unironic triple waistband jeans. With layers that are drastically different shades of denim.

We didn't think it was possible to make a denim product more hateful than R13's denim sewed onto the back of other denim, but the beautiful thing about fashion houses and oft-praised designers is that they're constantly surprising us. At this point, that's the only way we can attribute things like Natasha Zinko's $1,095 layered waistband jeans, reported by Who What Wear.

This look can easily be replicated by anyone with moon boots and a crop top that doesn't quite fit properly.

Farfetch

The jeans are described as "white and blue cotton layered waistband jeans" with "a concealed zip fastening, a five pocket design, a skinny fit, a cropped length and raw edges," which, put together, spell out "shock factor." It's also somehow more troubling that the pair of jeans that are most visible are white. Wearing denim on denim is bad enough, but why do we have to throw white denim into the mix as well?

For optimum utilization, find five products small enough to fit in skinny jean pockets, but non-essential enough that searching four other pockets to find one is not a burden.

If you can't stand the heat, take off the shoes

How many times, walking down the street, has a given person realized they should have worn different shoes? Shoes with shorter heels, shoes with higher heels, open-toed shoes, closed-toed shoes, shoes with app-controlled heaters at the bottom...

Thanks to Jimmy Choo, that last is now possible, because apparently, traditional toe warmers aren't enough anymore. The "Voyager" shoes are basically luxury Timberland boots, except instead of having a useful application as work boots, these "snow boots" are "shiny calf leather," "lux shearling lining" and have "heated soles," controlled by a mobile app so that customers never again have to feel the discomfort of cold weather. Until the battery runs out.

It remains up for debate whether the faux fur does anything other than visually signify these boots are meant for winter.

Jimmy Choo

Not that warm leather isn't a wonderful thing — heated seats in cars are a perfect example of the joy these modern features can bring to life — but there's something distinctly different about asking a friend if they want their heated seat turned on and asking a friend if they could just wait 40 minutes before heading out because your shoes haven't finished charging yet.

While we can poke fun at every aspect of the $1,895 extravagance these shoes are, they still form a more cohesive whole than Post Malone trying to make Crocs relevant.

So I received an email from @youngphysio this morning showing me these heated Jimmy Choo boots......No Pops is Not buying these for you pic.twitter.com/DbuyH9E1if
— malcolm young (@spotlyte1) November 1, 2018

Christmas is growing up, adults are not

After a harrowing period that saw Stranger Things actor Noah Schnapp dressed up as his co-star Millie Bobby Brown and REI sponsoring a zombie defense course, Halloween is officially over, and for retailers that means it is effectively Christmas — because people don't buy enough on Thanksgiving for retailers to focus too much on it.

The approach of the holidays means one thing is on everyone's mind — adult advent calendars. We had a taste of one last week with Target's cheesy So Wrong It's Nom calendar, but it turns out there's actually a large selection of advent calendars aimed at adults who want to use December as an excuse to indulge in bougie snacks conveniently packed into a 24-day spread.

Bloomberg gave a nice roundup of some of the hottest calendars this year (not a single one features beautiful women in scantily-clad clothing, we might add). These holiday feasts include: beer and pork rinds, matcha tea, jam, "luxury tea," whisky, more beer, and wine, among others.

Admittedly there are a lot of alcohol calendars on this list, but what else are adults supposed to do during the holidays? Spend time with their children? Shop for their significant others? Please.

An advent calendar is a cheap way for kids to celebrate the build up to Christmas and has poor quality chocolate to be consumed at breakfast - not a £50 treat a day that adults buy themselves. Am I right?
— Natalie ???? (@notaylott) October 30, 2018

An appropriately adult advent calendar has arrived from @thebeerhawk. Let the festive season of good cheer and great beer begin... In over a month.???? #beer #craftbeer #adventcalendar #beeradventcalendar #craftbeeradventcalendar #craft #craftbeerlife #… https://t.co/HXycndI0CK pic.twitter.com/XKxJ8oMbvt
— Dan Arlington (@Dan_Arlington) October 23, 2018

Your mom is the best mom? HA.
My mom got me a @DrinksByTheDram Scotch Whisky Advent Calendar.
As Jesus would have wanted. pic.twitter.com/Uy3Aa5wnj0
— Jason Cross (@JasonCross00) November 29, 2017

Asos shears out a beret

We all get inspiration from different places. It just so happens that this week Asos has been taking design advice from either Scottish sheep, a Russian grandmother or possibly both.

The result: the "Monki furry beret in off white," reported by Metro, which looks more like it belongs in a collection inspired by the Yeti than on a fast-fashion site. Some relation to a mythical creature might actually make the hat more interesting, but either because the writer really wanted to get to lunch or because there was nothing interesting to say, the product description consists of three main phrases: "flat top," "fluffy design" and "welcome to the cosy life."

The fact that these are all self-explanatory features of the beret does not seem to have crossed anyone's mind in the going-to-market process. Nor, apparently, did a marketing strategy, because the only photo of a model actually wearing the beret is overshadowed by the fact that she's covering her right eye with her hand for unexplained reasons.

If you think this product never should have gone to market, say "eye?"